I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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