she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
