Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
