It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
