Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
