a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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