Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
