do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
