I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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