Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
