I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
