After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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