and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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