there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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