she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
