apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
