I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
