when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
