wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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