i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
