Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
