dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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