oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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