I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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