there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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