These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
