I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
