All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
