I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He uses pillows to masturbate.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
