At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
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I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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