You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
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I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
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Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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