i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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