Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
