Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
