Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
