How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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