things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
