true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
