Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
as a side note pls kill me
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
