70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
