I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
