wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
