I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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