I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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