My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
