I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
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My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
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There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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