I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
