how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
