Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
