if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
