she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
