i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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