and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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