I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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