Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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