As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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