u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
