I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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