I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I met the friendliest cop last night
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
