i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
