3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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