One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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